We have prepared a few pro spy tips to help us carry out a successful heist.

Tip #1 Come dressed in super cool, inconspicuous ninja costumes…although I suppose 20th century MOB attire works as well. Check!

Tip #2 Have spy music playing in the background because what good is a heist without a little bit of suspense? Check!

Tip #3 Bring out some beer to distract the guards. Taking donations!

• Baylor will be in another scandal,
• The Aggies will still be too scared to play the Longhorns,

…wait for it…

• and Texas will still lose to powerhouse schools like LSU… Maryland… and Kansas.

• We’re building an opera house, a social sciences building, a new Sid Rich, and an inflatable dome;
• Las spring, McMurtry won their first Beer Bike! ..until they didn’t because of penalties which let Will Rice win… again;
• Martel is still not a college;
• Nobody wants to live in Hanszen;
• The freshen established McPlunkett, the official 12th residential college, then quickly forgot about it during O-Week;
• Rice had an extremely low acceptance rate of 8.7%, much to Leebron’s delight. Too bad that didn’t help us in the U.S. news rankings;
• And finally, Beer Bike is being renamed to White Claw Bike due to popular Alumni demand!

• Louisiana Tech,
• The state of Oklahoma,
• and the ghost of Mexican general Santa Anna.

However, in an attempt to capture General Santa Anna, we accidentally caught Mexican guitarist Carlos Santana. General Santa Anna made a Smooth getaway.

Fozzie’s jokes, like some of our own, don’t always go over as well as he’d like. In fact, we believe Fozzie has made the most unbearable punchlines ever!

Get it? … Wocka. Wocka.

The Number of the Day is nine, since nine is the number of justices on the Supreme Court.

Or is it? … Wocka, Wocka???

Now for our featured quote of the day, by famous Clinton prosecutor and former Baylor president Ken Starr, who said:

“I… did not. Investigate… that coach.”

Today’s show is brought to you by the number nine, and the letter “N.” That’s “n” as in:

Nanotechnology, invented at Rice
Neurobiology, the stuff of pre-meds, and
“Knnnnowledge,” if you were educated in Waco.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. After today’s football game, you’re invited to visit the south end of Rice Stadium for a sneak peek at the MOB’s new band hall! Come see where we call home, along with the other Rice bands.

And fans, please… Keep your frickin’ lasers to yourselves.

Rice has a history of great dance parties, but many students were unsure of which direction was forward and thus the Moonwalk was born.

Some say, “Why the Moonwalk?” and I say not because it is easy but because it is hard.

The skeletons put down their trombones
The black cats went back to their witches
Werewolves howled with grief
And we sighed in relief
‘Cause we defeated those sons of…

a gun.

Emergency Alert System

The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunder thighs warning for: Douglas, Mack, Donalds, and Harris counties.

At 7:25 PM, radar detected a large vortex of boredom moving south from Lawrence, Kansas. This low pressure system is known to suck (wind).

Rice fans should stand, cheer, and drink more beer.

Wherefore art thou?

Shall I compare thee to North Dakota?
Thou art at least as flat, and just as vacant.
The color of thy fields is that of dust,
And thy tractor is covered in rust.
And thy-

Oh, what the hell — you manage to sound less interesting than west Texas.

Everyone’s Born, or No One’s Excited

Oh my, they do say everything’s bigger in Texas.

But now, a tribute to great names in Kansas history:
– Dorothy Gale, explorer and resident of Oz
– Sam and Dean Winchester, of TV’s Supernatural
– and most famous of all: Superman.

Wait. Are one of these real? Yes, the only famous people to come out of Kansas are all fictional. Just like the mythical “Jayhawk.”

Funny, if it weren’t so sad

But you know, Kansas, we do feel bad for you.

Your coach must not have a brain, since he publicly called his own team — what was it?…

Oh yes. A pile. Of crap [pronounced like: crop].

Time to get out of Dodge, KS

There once was a man from Kansas.
He left.

Heroes’ Day Special

[over music] Ladies and gentlemen, Wednesday marked the twelfth anniversary of the 2001 September eleventh attacks. The images, emotions, and the victims of that day will never be forgotten. The very freedoms we enjoy as Americans came under attack, but the resolve of our country remained strong. It was the immediate reaction and response of the American people that unified the country.

Emergency responders, military service-men and -women, police and fire departments, and countless others selflessly answered the call. It is because of this heroism that we are honored to designate tonight’s game as Heroes’ Night.

We salute all of the local heroes around the nation that protect their communities, day in and day out. And now, let us stand as one nation, united, as we honor our heroes and their families.

To all that serve and risk their lives for their fellow citizens, we cannot thank you enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, the second half of today’s game will begin in ____ minutes.

Enzyte Shills

This is Shasta. Shasta’s stadium wasn’t big enough to satisfy her. But she’s been giving it once-daily doses of natural stadium enhancement, everything is juuuuust fine.

Warning: side effects may include overcrowding and shortness of parking. Results are not guaranteed to be impressive. Since your stadium only holds forty thousand seats, Rice Stadium is still bigger.

End the Codependency

Listen, Shasta. It’s time we had a face-to-face.

It’s over for real this time. I don’t care how much you try to change; it’s never going to work out between us. I won’t shed a TIER, not ONE. I’ve had it up to here with your shocking hand gesture, and I’ve come back for one thing:

Here’s your stupid Taylor Swift CD, now give me back my Bucket.

The Big Least

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band.

If co-dependency is a problem in your relationship, you can get help. Go to CODA.org to learn more.

Suddenly, there came a tapping

Race to Russia

[after call-to-post, read in a poor imitation of Howard Cosell] Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very exciting race for you today! Edward Snowden, the news media, and the US Government have all taken their places at the starting line.

[Whistle blows on field]

…and there’s the whistle blown.

Snowden’s off, with the media in close pursuit. And bringing up the rear is the government, trailing far behind in third.

Home, Sweet Intolerant Home

Moral of the Story: [REDACTED]

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band would like to remind you that October is National Cyber-Security Month.

Brought to you by the National Security Agency and its partners:
– Verizon
– Microsoft
– T-Mobile
– Google
– Viewers like you
– AT&T
– Apple
– Sprint
– Facebook
– Comp-U-Serve
– Amazon
– Bell South
– E-Bay
– PayPal
– Twitter
– Instagram
– The players and coaches of the Miami Dolphins
– Snapchat
– Hewlett-Packard
– MCI Worldcom
– Nextel
– Western Union Telegram
– Cisco
– Prodigy
– Comcast
– Skype
– Weyland Yutani
– Disney
– America On-Line
– Time Warner
– and the Jones School of Business

Hello, San Antonio, we are The MOB. Normally we poke fun at everybody, but we want to make a good first impression; so we’re not going to make fun of you.

Buuuuuut here’s what it would look like if we did…

On our best behavior

It’s a fact: UTSA’s football team leads all of college football in personal and disorderly conduct penalties per game. The MOB would like to say: challenge accepted!

[Clears throat] The trampoline used to be called the jump-oline. The your mom got on it.

Forgetfully irresponsible

But that’s just what would happen IF we were making fun of you. Since this our first trip to San Antonio, we wanted to see everything you have to offer.

We strolled the River Walk and stumbled it back. We visited Sea World, Fiesta Texas, and took a spin atop the Tower of the Americas.

That pretty much covers it, right? …There’s nothing we failed to remember?

All of Texas, united

Remember folks, regardless of the outcome of this game, there are some things we can all be happy about:

One, at least we aren’t in Dallas…

And two, we’re both better than El Paso!

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band!

Directed by Mr. Chuck Throckmorton, with drum majors Nicholas D’Ambrosio, Cassie Barrett, and Show Assistant executive producer Sarah Craig. Featuring twirler Christina Saez.

You saw Pixar’s summer rock-buster, “Monsters U.” Now we’ve picked our brains and dug up a real gem of a story:

Miners “U.”

It’s all down from here

Water table everywhere, not a drop to drink

Even though Mike’s grades were in the pits, he took for “granite” that he could still have a blast at frat parties. But law enforcement was hammering down on hammered minors.

Rice could teach Mike a thing or two about beer pong, if not for the administration’s relaxed alcohol policy.

Click, Click, BOOM

You should see his shaft

Ladies and gentlemen, we are sad to announce that Mister Bob Bailiff, father of Rice head football coach David Bailiff, passed away early Wednesday morning.

Mister Bailiff was a veteran of the United States Army, and he is survived by: his three children, Jane, David, and Mike; both a son-and daughter-in-law; seven grandchildren; and two great-grandchildren. Mister Bailiff was a kind, honest, and hard-working man who epitomized the definition of a great husband and a loving father. He was an inspiration to all who knew him and a hero to all who loved him.

Please bow your heads and join us now in a moment of silence in memory of Mister Bob Bailiff.

[pause, approx. 5 seconds]

And now, football fans off all ages, please stand as one nation and remove your hats as The MOB plays our national anthem.

It’s no burning bush

About (bronze) face

In the year nineteen eighty and eight, a group of daring engineers turned Willy’s statue around, one-hundred eighty degrees. We’ve all heard the official story of how they depended on A-frames, but now we know what they were really banking on…

Today we reveal their secret! Watch, and be amazed.

There’s a pill for that

Now in Rice’s second century, we continue to thrive and prosper. We will build it bigger! We will build it stronger! Our erections will blot out the sun!

There’s:
– Duncan
– McMurtry
– Brockman Hall
– The Turrell Skyspace

and we see it coming now… The GLASSCOCK SCHOOL! (of continuing studies).

Spring in your step, spark in your pants

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band!

And now for the moment you’ve been waiting for, the reason you bought your game ticket, why you flew in from out of town — the results of the Student Association election for Homecoming Court!

your 2013 homecoming king is: Dean John Hutchinson, and he’s joined by the homecoming queen: “Bushy” the squirrel.

…There you have it.

In a Bourbon Street Saloon

The Deed

But one day, Thibodeaux got roped into a scheme by the Roadrunners, an outlaw gang from San Antonio. They were after the title Sammy had earned! He caught them trying to steal the deed to the C-USA Corral.

This calls for a showdown.

Showdown

…when he saw what Sammy was packing.

[as Sammy] Take it back east, Thibodeaux. This conference ain’t big enough for the both of us!

Anti-climax

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band! Directed by Mr. Chuck Throckmorton, with drum majors Nicholas D’Ambrosio and Cassie Barrett, and Show Assistant executive producer Sarah Craig.

The MOB welcomes your feedback on Twitter @ricemob, or e-mail yourmom@mob.rice.edu.

Welcome to historic Rice Stadium — which four out of five BCS machines agree is a perfectly adequate location for a conference championship.

The weather aside, let us give you a tour of what Houston is really like.

Suburbs and Traffic

To the west, suburbs.
To the south, suburbs.
To the north… master-planned suburbs.
All this and more you’ll find in Houston if you can navigate the traffic…

…which is packed tighter than your mom in size seven pants!

Eating Out is Fun

Fight for Rice, Rice fight on

A traditional Irish toast says: “In the new year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.”

In that spirit, The MOB ends with “Louie, Louie,” and it starts… with a cowbell.

Rice is excited to play against the most prestigious, recognizable, and influential school in Los Angeles:

The University of Southern California!

Wait. We’re playing the other school in LA? Well there goes our joke about how the Trojans have pounded UCLA for the last five years. But don’t feel bad, Bruins; we admit that USC is the highest-paid football team in Lost Angeles.

[Read with an easy pace, elongating the emphasis] The following is brought to you by the state of California: home of medical marijuana.

UCLA, let’s be blunt. When the last play is snapped from the left hash, why sit here getting baked in the Houston heat? It won’t be bong before you’ll want to blow this joint and roll back home to California: where the grass is always greener; the smog is all natural; and the living expenses are the only things that are high. California: pass it around.

We now return you to the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bruins, already in progress:

It was getting late, and Goldilocks had not yet found a school. UCLA was too big, while Caltech was too small. Then, she saw a student group running around wearing even less than their underwear. They certainly looked like the happiest students in the nation!

“Rice,” she declared, “is just right.”

[Rice had recently been declared by a national magazine to have the “happiest students.”]

California deep in the heart of Texas, or as the philosopher Marilyn Manson once said: “We’re all stars in the dope show.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2012 Marching Owl Band!

Ladies and gentlemen, today we mourn the loss of two true Rice Owls.

Martha Ann Bailiff, mother of head football coach David Bailiff.

Martha was a devoted wife to her husband Robert for fifty-nine years. She was a proud mother to her three children, very active in her community, and was loved by her grandchildren who affectionately called her “Mom-Mom.” Since junior high football, she rarely missed any of Coach Bailiff’s games, and she will be deeply missed.

And Larry Joseph Miggins:

Larry worked in Facilities and Engineering at Rice for more than twenty-five years. His love of this university and his bond with employees, students, coaches, and athletes was evident as he participated in many activities promoting Rice University, including “HOOTS.” His vigor and can-do attitude will be remembered by many.

Please join us now in a moment of silence for two members of the Owl family: Martha Ann Bailiff, and Larry Joseph Miggins.

[pause, approximately 8 seconds]

Thank you.

Football fans of all ages, please stand as one nation and remove your hats for the presentation of the colors by the Rice Navy ROTC — as The MOB plays our national anthem.

Baker 13 division

NOD Decathlon

Beeeeer Biiiiike

The Winter Olympics

All’s fair in lovecraft and politics

And devour them.

The tentacular spectacular

Ladies and gentlemen! We now present tonight’s main card!

In this corner, measuring in at five centennial tents tall, it’s the Destroyer of Worlds, the Scourge of Mortals, the Titan of Tentacles: Cthulu!!!

And in this corner, weighing in at 93 pounds and 17 ounces, Rice University President Daaaavid Beeee-Bron!!!

The Dark One’s web of lies can be matched only by Leebron’s long-lasting rhetoric and stunningly melodious voice. This will surely be a debate of monumental proportions. Let’s get ready to ramble!!!

The grass is always greener

Alas, reality returns

All joking aside, we urge you to get out to your polling place on November sixth. In a perfect world, Leebron and Cthulu would be running, but in reality you will select a donkey or an elephant.

Either way, you’ll need a shovel to dig yourself out.

Halloween

Education

Our research reveals that some Louisiana schools have disproved evolution… by teaching their students that the Loch Ness monster is real!

Not to be outdone, Texas has added Bigfoot to our biology textbooks. Together, our two states have done for children’s education what lead-based paint did for children’s nutrition.

Moral of the story, surrendered

Attention, Rice Stadium: Your university has grown weak and decadent. You play around and beat your own dead horse… when there is a horse much more deserving of a death penalty just over there.

[Bane points to SMU fans in the visitor stands]

SMU, you flee this conference to play Eastern opponents like Houston, Boise, and San Diego. But you’ll never escape your greatest foe: NCAA infractions.

SMU versus Rice.
Obama versus Romney.
The MOB versus your mom.

None of these compare to the conflict we truly want to see: grown men in Halloween costumes beating each other senseless. God bless America!

And now, for the very last time in 2012: Louie, Louie!

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2012 Rice University Marching Owl Band! If, by the end of today’s game, you’re not tired of “She’ll be Comin’ Round the Mountain” — you left too soon.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amon Carter Stadium. Here it is, the year 2012, and much of the music we hear today is pre-programmed, electronic disco. We rarely get the opportunity to hear master bluesmen practice their craft. We’re here to change that, so please put your hands together and welcome the blues band of Houston’s South Main…

The Marching… Owl… Band!

As Americans, we are blessed, above all, with freedom. It is important for us to recognize and thank the men and women of the armed forces who defend our freedoms. We invite all current and former members of the military to please stand at this time, so that we may honor you and your colleagues in arms.

[pause]

Thank you for your service.

We hope you enjoy today’s exciting game. The MOB will be back at halftime to reminisce about better days… Such as when the City of Dallas starred in its own prime-time TV show: “COPS.”

Additional thanks to Bryan Wright and Kevin Greene of Fort Worth ISD for providing rehearsal facilities.

Alpha

Omega

The big day of the Mayan Apocalypse has come and gone. The world is still here — and so are all your credit card bills. But don’t stress too much: Washington has yet to fix the “fiscal cliff” so it won’t matter, anyway.

Just look on the bright side: at least we still have football.

Captain, censors are showing no sense of humor

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2012 Rice University Marching Owl Band! We express our most extreme gratitude to ESPN, for showing us how much their world resembles George Orwell’s 1984.

The MOB is directed by Mr. Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by drum majors Kayla Schaefer and Peter Johannigman, with Show Assistant executive producer Katherine Humphreys.

We welcome your feedback. Send e-mail to yourmom@mob.rice.edu.

After decades of saying “goodbye” to “Texas University,” the Aggies. Finally. Left. Yes, it’s official. As of eight o’clock central daylight time, A&M announced its intent to join Satan’s Evil Conference. We congratulate the S-E-C and the Big Twelve, as both conferences improve their average IQ.

[formation changes at the word “Satan”]

Speaking of Aggies, there’s the Texas Governor — A-and-M alumnus — Rick Perry. He looks like he needs a little direction. Okay, God, tell him. [long pause]

No? All right, everyone, let’s try this:

Simon says, touch your ear.

Nuh-uh! Simon didn’t say!

So the next time you go to the polls, ask yourself: is your candidate smarter than an Aggie?

After Perry flunks out from Simon Says, members of the press attempt to interview Obama with Perry attempting to steal the show every chance he gets.

Satan watches, amused, eating from an oversized bucket of popcorn.

Yes, Longhorn fans, Rick Perry isn’t the only Texan desparate for a win this year. But don’t worry, The MOB knows how to cure your sad cow disease, and dry the crying eyes of Texas. Whenever we’re under the weather with a little irritable owl syndrome, there’s only one prescription:

WIN. HOMECOMING.

Ladies and gentlemen, today the MOB presents a very special halftime performance. This is usually where we would tell you how a university with the initials “P-U” has a good chance of stinking up the Big Ten, or just how a boiler-maker is like a village bicycle.

But not today. Because after all, we are a band with class.

Today, as Rice University focuses on its centennial celebration, the MOB wishes to reflect on just how good we have it:

For instance, the Princeton Review says that we have the happiest students of any campus. We have a Division One football team playing its one-hundredth season. We have an irreverent marching band that continues to make national headlines a mere forty years since its inception.

And while U-T has its own brand of water… Rice has its own brand of beer.

But the success of Rice University transcends our small hedges — it is built upon strong relationships with our nation, and our local community. This year, the NASA Johnson Space Center celebrates its own fifty years of achievements, helping America and the world reach beyond our wildest imaginations.

On the field before you, the MOB assembles a two-thirds scale projection of the International Space Station — in honor of the men and women of Mission Control, who have inspired generations of young engineers, scientists, and dreamers.
For a bit of history on the first fifty years of collaboration between Rice and NASA, here is the MOB’s director: Chuck Throckmorton.

My name is Chuck Throckmorton. I’m Director of Bands at Rice University, and director of The MOB — The Marching Owl Band. We’re here at the Johnson Space Center to welcome back Rice alumna — and MOB alum — Shannon Walker, who has just come back from the International Space Station.

You know, Rice has a long history with the space program. Mission Control for NASA is in Houston, largely to the influence of George R. Brown and Congressman Albert Thomas, who were roommates at Rice. The land Johnson Space Center sits on was deeded to the United States government by Rice University. And in 1962, the speech by John F. Kennedy — it energized all of us to enter and take the leap into space — was given at Rice Stadium. And the spirit of what he said is still alive at Rice University. When he said, “We choose to go to the moon and do the other things not because they are easy, but because … they’re hard.”

This subtle reminder is that: that milestone and many others will be celebrated at Rice’s centennial celebration in October of 2012 — save the date. So where were we?

1963: Rice University opened the nation’s first dedicated space science program. And in 1969, an experiment by a Rice professor landed on the moon in the first moon landing; there is a Rice University flag on the moon to this day. Since then, fourteen Rice University faculty and alumni have had the right stuff — or, the Rice stuff — to become astronauts and serve.

And one of those is native Houstonian, and MOB alumna and Rice alumna, Shannon Walker who has just returned from the International Space Station. Shannon, we are so proud of you, and you are such an inspiration both to Rice and to Houston, to young women everywhere who aspire to a career in the sciences, and just to random space geeks, I guess.

Thanks, Chuck! I’m sorry I can’t be with you in Houston today but, as you can see, I’m in Russia at the moment. But I didn’t want to miss today’s NASA Day game and the chance to salute both my friends at Rice University and my colleagues at the Johnson Space Center.

You know, I didn’t happen to bring my french horn with me to Russia — but! — I do have this nice fedora, and I do have a cowbell! So if it’s OK with you, I’d still like to join The MOB in playing a song. Shall we?

Thank you, MOB alumna Shannon Walker.

And let’s give a round of applause to the men and women of the Johnson Space Center who make up the heart of Space City, U-S-A.

While we are sad to see the Shuttle go, let us end not dwelling on the past but instead celebrating the future. Here’s to the success of the International Space Station and the beginning of the next fifty years of Rice — NASA partnership.

Hey, Rice Stadium! I’m Chuck Throckmorton, Director of Bands at Rice.

And take a look at this! Is this impressive or what? This is the biggest prop I have ever seen on any football field anywhere, but we could not have done it ourselves. We had help from the aerospace club, from the cheerleaders, from Facilities and Engineering and Planning. We had it from alumni, we had it from our friends, we had it from graduate students — the entire Rice community came together to put the International Space Station on the field for you.

And the reason we did it is to point out how impressive this thing is. It is huge on a football field, and the real one is even bigger, and they built it in space!

Way, way cool. But I’m going to need your help. They expect to have a football game here in a little bit, don’t they? So let’s count it down so we can get the International Space Station back off the field.

Start at five, are you ready?

5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Go!
Yeah! Thank you Rice Stadium, and thank you … NASA, ESA, and all of the space agencies. You inspire us, and we are proud to be a part of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eleven Rice University Marching Owl Band!

We would like to express our most extreme gratitude to the Rice Office of Public Affairs for writing today’s script.

Even your mom’s in on it

This time, the signs are undeniable:
– Texas is burning
– Congress repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
– Rice absolutely destroyed Memphis in basketball
– Your mom… said “no.”

And those friends you thought moved off campus? That was the Rapture.

“Holy Temple of Leebron” didn’t fit

It’s time to confess. Here at Rice, our nights can be pretty decadent and we are guilty of Bacchanalian excesses. But the Rice administration is always trying to change our evil ways.

They’ve already banned our sinful liquor, and they have almost finished constructing our very own ritual site in front of the Shepherd School of Music. Each year, Rice will sacrifice a virgin freshman upon the Turrell Ziggurat to appease the vengeful Mayan gods.

Smile for the nice Horsemen, dear

Alas, it seems that our freshman computer science major was not — in fact — a virgin. If that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, then I don’t know what is.

So as you resign yourself to the impending doom, cheer up! After all your GPA isn’t what counts on Judgement Day. Watch those pesky engineering problem sets vanish in fire and brimstone.

And don’t worry, academs, even the Antichrist needs someone to pour his coffee.

Foretold by Nyan Cat in the Book of Lol

Before you shuffle off this mortal coil, enjoy the time that you’re given. Bring out your liquor, enjoy your parties, and lower your purity score as best you can. Take it from us, and our all-knowing source:

We heard it on the Internet.

Egypt

Medieval

The Future?

Constants through time

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2011 Rice University Marching Owl Band! We ask your help in controlling the growing coach population. Please spay or neuter your coaches before they escape and fly north in the spring.

Thank you. No vikings were harmed in the production of this halftime performance.

In the beginning, there was marching, and it… it got kind of old after a while. Thus, a few intrepid Rice students set out to try something completely different. Influenced by the Blues Brothers, Animal House, the Godfather; we acquired stylish threads, contempt for The Man and an appreciation for charitable donations.

We are: The MOB.

Ahoy! We sail onward.

In our youth, we sailed across the wild Galveston Bay to land at Rice University. After fighting a revolutionary war against marching, we crafted our own Bill of Rights. Among those are:

– The right to bear arms
– The right to not quarter Aggies, and
– Freedom of speech on the field.

Because we have a microphone, and you don’t.

Midlife Crisis

Unfortunately, we recently discovered that we turned forty years old. Unable to afford a Porsche, we ditched that old baton twirler for a class new wife with a G-string.

As a violinist, she didn’t care that our woodwinds were overblown and our trombones were rusty.

Not too old for nerdy references

Something to do with a black hole?

‘Twas the night before finals,
when all through the house,
not a student was stirring,
not even Jones South.

Leebron was nestled all snug in his bed,
but visions of protesters danced in his head.
For on the TV there had been such a riot,
he feared that locally they just might try it.

In which things start to go awry

We’ve had enough of this!
We are the ninety-nine percent;
we’re here, and we’re mad!

Rice has the happiest students in America. One percent of the college students have sixty-nine percent of the happiness. From this moment, we will occupy Rice!

You have all the fun, and we are taking it back!

Whatever it takes! … to get with your mom.

We demand that you change your ways and move to a humid climate;
raise your tuition;
give up your liquor;
and surround yourself with perpetual construction.

Oh, that happened already, and you’re still happy? In that case, we’ll just throw naked people through your windows.

So much for small classes

I can’t get no…

Rice is about rankings, and with Rice ranked number one in student happiness, we wonder why Rice ranks as only the third horniest university.

President Leebron: Are you satisfied?

Did you see your mom last night? We did. We are the ninety-nine percent.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the last time, please give it up for the 2011 Rice University Marching Owl Band!

Unconventional Wisdom

The daytime schedule aims for the soap opera demographic that most sports networks miss. Stay tuned for new shows like:

As The Offense Turns,
All My Linebackers,
and, for the offensive linemen, The Big and the Bulky

It’s the essence of football: mindless, dramatic, low-brow entertainment.

Survivor: Big XII

The Bachelor

Better Later than a Sooner

At next week’s game, we’ll bring you a sneak peek of Oklahoma’s aptly-named network: Sooner Hi-def Intercollegiate Television!

I’d spell it out for you, but trust me — it stinks.

This Old Stadium

For today’s This Old Stadium makeover, let’s start with the end zones. While we like those blue tarps and all that cement, we want to see some real grass. When we heard that Rice Stadium was big enough to hold every alumnus living or dead, selling thee under-utilized end zone space for cemetery plots seemed like the perfect fit.

We’re calling it: “The Final Roost.”

House of Rock

Radio Limbo

Cleaning Up

Is it over?

The Outbreak

The Four Horsemen

As foretold in prophecy, Earth was visited by the Four Horsemen of the bro-pocalypse:
– Judd Apatow
– Dane Cook
– T-pain
– and that guy from that party.

They could have been stopped, but everyone was simply too chill. Instead, our leaders raised the threat level to “party foul.”

Auto-Tune

Zing!

In the end, Rice was spared from the worst of the bro-tamination. Rice has no varsity lacrosse team. Without fraternities, there was no shelter for the br-mosapiens. At or worst, we could only be tools, objectify underage girls, and lower our intellectual horizons.

But that wouldn’t make us bros, just your average student at SMU.

Homecoming 2010

Alumzyte

Real Men of Genius

The School Your School Could Be Like

Hello Cougars! Look at your school. Now back to us. Now back to your school. Now back to us. Sadly, you aren’t us. But if you became Tier One you could be like us.

Look down. Back up. Where are you? You’re in organic chemistry at the school your school could be like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it! It’s a textbook with two tickets to the College World Series. Look again: the tickets are now a Championship!

Anything is possible when your school is like Rice. We have the Mayor.

Fundraising: Pledge Now Or Else

Bird-on-Bird Romance, what a Hoot!

For instance, take today’s game — The Owl and the Pelican: a Romeo and Juliet story of two schools, both questionable in dignity, in fair New Orleans where we set our scene.

But soft! What smell through yonder trailer reeks? It is the oil refinery. Oh Sammy, Sammy. Wherefore art thou, Sammy?!

Who are we kidding? Conference-USA is never that exciting.

Film, undeveloped.

We learned that, while New Orleans is noted for its art scene, not all projects make the grade:

– The film “No Country for Oil Men” is all washed up.
– The cast of “Brokeback Bayou” can’t seem to stop wrangling their nutria in the backwoods.
– And “March of the Sea Turtles” was smothered before it could ever hatch.

Forgiveness? Doubtful.

We understand that stereotypes can hurt. In spite of our jests, we know that your city is more than alcohol, creeps, and abundant law enforcement…

[Wait for music, then read following as appropriate for field action]

It appears that the band has a Hurricane. They’re drinking pretty fast. Better slow down, band, or bad things will happen…

Look! A giant crab! See, if that’s not bad, I don’t know what is. That poor nutria. Who will help us now?

Finally, some genuine ‘Nawlins law enforcement: it’s Steven Segal everybody! … Steven Segal got the crabs, everyone, it’s okay.

The Moral

The Rice University Marching Owl Band is directed by Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by:

Drum Major Ryan Kruse,
drum minor Ollie Barthelemy,
and Show Assistant Executive Producer Heather Beaber.

Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the game!

A Brief History of Pirateology

Ah, yes. Quite. [clear throat] Quite. Yes.

Now then, the East Carolina region has a surprisingly booty-filled history of piracy. True East Carolina pirate believers who walk the campus late at night claim to see the ghostly image of Blackbeard — dressed in nothing but his hat — roaming the East Carolina campus. The rest of us just see-

My, crikey! Is that a volcano?!?

The Joke String

It’s hard out there for a pimp… on the High Seas

Well, it seems that Blackbeard is a bit… preoccupied, so we leave you with this warning:

Whether ye be sailin’ the seven seas
or ye boat be sunk,
at ye next port o’ call
the TSA be grabbin’ ye junk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 Marching Owl Band!

The Challenge Begins

The Madness Spreads

Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that our crack team of band trainers and sound engineers have done it. They tell me they have prepared the very first performance of the North American tamed vuvuzela:

Putting the buzz in Brahms,
the drone in Dvorak, and
the holy cow in Handel.

Relapse

Obviously, we have never had a greater need for better funding of the arts and music education… Our failure leaves us only one option: we must introduce a natural predator into the vuvuzela’s environment.

We need an instrument so ridiculous… so annoying… so terrifying, that every vuvuzela will run for miles at the sound.

Release… the accordions!

The Cure

40 Years Old

In the year 1970, at the very last football game of the season, the Rice Owl Band began a bold experiment in creative halftime entertainment. The band exited the field using a scatter, and The MOB was born.

Over the next few ears, our shows featured more scattering, semi-comprehensible formations, and zanier scripts than you could find at any other stadium in the south. Today begins the fortieth anniversary of The MOB, your Marching Owl Band!

The MOB plans to proudly lead Rice into her centennial year, and to celebrate our birthday all next season. We’ll see you in August, 2011. The MOB is now forty years old, and if there’s one thing you can count on, it is one heck of a mid-life crisis.

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